You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

I have decided that I don't really like this blog that much. I mean, I'm not going to delete it, but I won't update it most likely. Head over to my new blog ...Seriously I'm working on it in order to keep up on my life in the day by day process I am going through in order to deal with the fact that my (soon to be ex) husband is a complete and total tool.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

My husband left me. The day before we were supposed to move into a 2 bedroom apartment, he told me that I wasn't welcome in the new apartment. I love him with all of myself. I gave him EVERYTHING, and he left because he doesn't understand why dealing with my past is so very difficult for me. I went into this marriage knowing that there would be rough parts, and he expected that I would just go with what his idea of a marriage is: the husband is the breadwinner, the wife works but also makes sure the house is immaculate at all times. NO ONE is that way their first year of marriage, not unless they are already successful in their careers and also from the 50s era. It is 2012, and marriage takes work from both people. I was trying SO hard, and it was never ever good enough. While I recognize that this is just something that should show me that he isn't right for me, but no matter how hard I think it, my entire body aches and hurts, feeling like I failed as a person, as a wife. I haven't really slept in the past 42 hours, and I've eaten once. I can't sleep, and even thinking of eating makes me feel like I'll just throw it up again. I'm just running on pain right now, and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about what I could have done better.

An update.

I love my husband. I would think that much is pretty obvious at this point. Sometimes though, my husband is a dick. Last night he said he was going to get papers for divorce in an argument when he was angry. Not a good way to try to end an argument with your ginger wife. Just saying.

We talked through everything, and figured out why we were both so angry. The fact is that we have a new roommate with 3 animals (I'm allergic to 2/3rds of her animals) moved in with us and we DON'T have the room until April when we move. It makes me feel as though my needs for living without being itchy all the time aren't important. Not to mention that she is alway hanging out with my husband and is flirty with all guys all the time forever and I don't trust her. I trust my husband, but I don't trust her,especially if my husband is drunk. He's a dumbass and really easy to manipulate when he's drunk.

Either way. The past 3 days have been less than fun. I watched over my friends when they were drunk on St. Patrick's Day, watched over my husband the next night all night when he was in the emergency room, and then the day after that he tells me in anger that he wants a divorce because I got pissed off when I was watching something on the television, and they started blaring music.

Fuck 'em.

Don't have much to say but felt bad about being quiet so long

Brian got me sick. I start a new job in 7 days, and I still have to go buy pants and shoes. BLEH

What I have to say about it.

Stop SOPA. Stop PIPA. Because if you don't, you might lose your ability to tell the inter-net how you feel.

A reflection of the past year (on Friday the 13th bc I can)

So wow. It is 2012 now. That sounds silly. Quite a bit has happened in the past year, and I don't even know where to start.

Well, New Years Eve 2010 I was looking towards 2011 and I cursed it. I didn't know that everything that was looking to make 2011 bad would disappear, and I didn't know I would lose someone who was once a very good friend of mine.

At the beginning of 2011, Brian had decided that he was going to go into the Air Force. For me, it meant that he was going to leave, and I wouldn't count for anything, as that is how the military works. Girlfriends don't matter. It would be years before I would be allowed to be with him, and that made my New Year last year a sad one. Shortly after, we talked over all of the options (over pizza since it is the best food ever), and decided that marriage was the best option, considering that if he left, I would have to follow him because I refused to spend my life without him.

So began the most HECTIC and CRAZY time of my life. I started planning my wedding, something that we originally decided was going to be a small little thing, just a courthouse wedding with an awesome party afterward. And then I told my grandmother that I was engaged and we wanted to get married in July. That..... well it didn't exactly make it so things turned out the way we planned, but things worked out wonderfully anyway.

We lost Billy, and I regret not being able to answer my cousin's call when he said that they were going out because Billy was sick again.

Not long before the wedding, my friends got in a fight, one of the couples in the bridal party broke up, and my mother was doing her normal crazy control stuff and threatening to not be at my wedding. We made it through those alright without too much loss, apart from I had to pick a new maid of honor, and a friend became someone in the list of people I don't trust.

We moved into our apartment, I worked at Circle K until I couldn't stand it anymore and got a job at a telemarketing place, and every day fell more in love with my husband, even when we fight about stupid stuff. Every day I look at him, and I see one more thing that I love about him; how he freaks out when I drive in the snow, how he makes sure that we're both covered through the night (since I steal the covers from him all the time he makes sure there are 2 comforters on the bed), how he looks at me as though I'm the most beautiful person that there ever was.

I see these things each day and smile. I've done pretty well this year. Here is to our first full year of marriage, that it gets even more beautiful each day, and survives every crazy obstacle in the way.

Baby Blues

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sorry. Things have been crazy. Not that people even really read much. Either way, I've been thinking about lots of things lately. Specifically about babies. I'm kinda scared about the whole idea of that.

Really I guess I should start with where my head is lately. I haven't been feeling well, and when I don't feel good I'm in bed all day thinking. By that I mean I watch a bunch of Netflix and think about where I am in life. Yup. I'm a sap. Sorry guys.

Kids. I don't want them. But at the same time YES I do likerightnowbecauseomgkidsarecool. It is very confusing.

Pros of having kids (ie: reasons having kids wouldn't suck)
~Seriously, kids can make you feel so much better when you're having a shitty day. Sometimes I miss having the kids around all the time.
~Someone who needs me. So it is a stupid stupid STUPID reason to want a kid, but I have realized that I am just the kind of person that needs to be needed. I like it when I can fix things. Kids break things, and mess up A LOT so it would be a constant thing.
~I really want to give it a shot at being a better mother than my mother was to me. I want to know that I can think of the right answers, or at least the funny answers.


Cons of having kids (ie: reasons having kids would suck)
~OH MY GOD. Sometimes kids make shitty days EVEN WORSE! They are needy and never can't do things on their own yet and so they complain ALL THE TIME.
~NEVER HAVING TIME TO MYSELF EVER AGAIN.
~What if I screw up being a mom? What if I make them even more screwed up than I am?

Diapers. Teenagers. Growing up. Moving out. Making huge mistakes. I'm not ready to handle that kind of thing. I'm still making mistakes. But that's what life is about, isn't it? Now trust me, I'm not going to have a kid anytime soon. I want to wait until we are settled and able to take care of a kid financially, and so does Brian.

So why do I feel like I'm missing something?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Haven't really finished Christmas stuff, haven't finished the living room and what not.

BUT I GOT THE CHRISTMAS TREE UP and there are presents under that tree.


This short blog post brought to you by:

I-just-stayed-up-all-night-wrapping-Christmas-presents-only-to-realize-I-forgot-a-lot-of-stuff.

AND

MY-MEDS-ARE-UPPERS-AND-DOWNERS-AND-PAINKILLERS-AND-OMG-MY-HEAD-FEELS-WEIRD

More past rearing the ugly sides of life.

A friend recently sent me a link to something that applies VERY much to my past, and it is actually a very helpful thing to read even if you haven't had an extremely dysfunctional childhood.

As I was reading through I wrote this out. It is long. Sorry in advance.


Wow. I.....don't even know where to start.

I guess my first thought is that there are so many people here who have things that have hit them hard. When you're there, you don't realize exactly how weird it is, how strange it is for the little things that just happen in your household that don't actually happen in "normal" households.

My mother is the only parent with whom I had a lot of contact as a child. My father passed away when I was 11, and they had been divorced since I was 5. Her husband was a trucker and really only was home a couple weekends a month. When he was home, he was constantly arguing with my mother, or rather, she was telling him how he shouldn't even be around as little as he was since it wasn't like he did anything anyway.

I'm the oldest of 4, me and my brother from my father and the two youngest from her husband. Things were ok (and by ok I mean I didn't really recognize it as anything being abnormal) until my father passed away. After that, my mother started to be malicious more often towards me and my brother, more violent and emotionally abusive.

She didn't leave bruises when we were young, and kept my brother on a leash of ADD meds even though they made him feel like he was suffocating in a sea of monotony and fog. She did more of the little controlling things. I don't remember going to anyone's house after 8th grade unless I had known them since kindergarten or I didn't tell my mother. My friends never came over after a few times because my mother would put on a face the first few times they were over, but then it was like they were family. They witnessed the things she did that I just expected, and didn't like it. My longest known friend was extremely confused all the time when we were over because after school we weren't allowed in the fridge, or even in the kitchen at all unless we were doing dishes. I'm still getting over not being allowed in the kitchen of my mother's house, and often I will forget to eat. I'm working on it, but it is hard at times.

On my 15th birthday, my baby brother was born. I love that kid more than I love most people. After that, my mother got worse. She started putting my brother in the detention home for the weekends because he talked back. She picked everything I did apart, told me that she wished it had been her who had died instead of my father since I was so horrid, told me that I had been raped by my father's brother when I was young (which I found to be false after asking people who had been there), told strangers who said I looked just like her "poor kid", called me fat, stupid, ugly and any other thing that you can think of. I tried to find someone who would make me feel better about it all, and started my horrid life of dating, which is too long to put here, but if you'd like to read it is here.

After the first guy I just did as my mother said as often as possible, still trying to deal with the random things that happen in high school that already make people feel like they aren't good enough. I never went to parties, was in honors English, the A Cappella Choir, and tried to do things to make her proud that also made me happy. At home, she would yell about the dishes, my room, how I needed to clean the grooves in the kitchen floor (with a toothbrush since it worked best) and how I wasn't doing as well in Math as I should be (when I had a C). Eventually we ended up getting in screaming matches when I couldn't take her pushing my buttons anymore, and she sent me to the detention home, claiming that I was the violent one and had hit her. One of the times when I had obviously been the one injured (parts of my hair were trailing down my back, and I was obviously disheveled) they took me to my longest friend's house, since her mom was like a mom to me. When I got there, she was surprised that the cops had brought me in the back of the cruiser. "Pam, they escorted you here. You were in the back of the cop car." Then she saw my hair and about cried. She woke my friend up, and we all sat at the table and talked about what we should do. I was broken already, and pointed out that my mother would just say I had done it myself because I had been upstairs when the cops got there (which she did, not that the cops ever were notified). She knew all the cops, and that made her pretty safe from them.

There were a lot of things that happened, and I'd be lying if I said I had the time to post even half of them. I try to not think about it, because I'm not that girl anymore. I grew up quick after my father passed away, because I had to in order to survive.

The week before my 18th birthday, she put me in the detention home again, because she found out I was leaving and moving in with my grandmother. I had taken the money from my checking account (money I had earned from my job that I never got to use, ever) and she threw a fit. My probation officer had told me earlier in the week that it was likely, and that I should try to not do anything to bother her, but that I shouldn't worry because it was safer in the detention home for me anyway. I had gone to see her because my mother had grabbed my arm so hard in one of her fits of anger that I had bruises.

The fit that sent me into the detention home for the last time was the most violent. She pulled me around the house by the hair and shirt, and my little sister called the cops after she got our baby brother out of the way. I woke up the next morning in the detention home and I couldn't move my arms because they hurt really badly. I looked and I had HUGE bruises under both arms and more fingerprints on my arms. I showed the director of the d.h. and he called children's services to come and take pictures. I was more worried about the kids than I was about them getting her away from me. I was going to be away from my mother anyway. The kids I still worry about.

I don't know. I didn't have a normal childhood. I didn't have a normal dating life. I still don't have normal eating habits. I am growing up though.
I was lucky in that I grew up with other motherly figures instead of just my mother, or I don't know if I would know how to love people, how to trust people. I would certainly not be married to someone who I love with all of my heart, who tries to understand even though it is hard, and I would certainly never be contemplating children in the (distant) future. I'm still concerned about having kids at any point because I am SO scared that I'll just do the same things to them that she did to me.

Things get better if you can escape the tower, but escaping the tower will always cost you more than you think you can live with at the time. I still worry every day that my youngest siblings will eventually have to deal with the things that my brother and I had to deal with, and I'm trying to have a connection with them, which does mean that I have to play nice with my mother, play the prodigal daughter if you will while constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop in, where her niceties will be replaced with snide remarks and violence again. I'm living on my own, so I'm pretty sure it can't get worse for me with her, but the kids I do worry about, as she often takes her anger out on people who can't fight back when she has no other outlet.

tl;dr :Life sometimes sucks, but in the end, if you fight hard, you can escape with your life, though sometimes you will have missing pieces.

Like mother, like daughter

She used to be in control of her life. She made bad decisions, paid for them dearly. She married too early, had a kid too early, then another. 22 years and 2 kids, a husband and no school. She didn't know where she was going, didn't know what she wanted, except for escape. She left them, then came back to steal the kids back, to hurt her husband.

She used to be in control of her life. She made bad decisions, paid for them dearly and learned. She went to school and got kicked out, too busy with writing and talking on the phone to go to classes. She cheated on a guy, got burned and fell into a spiral of depression. She didn't know where she was going, didn't know what she wanted, except for safety and escape. She found her guy, got married too early, and tried her best. 22 years and too little school, a husband and no career.

The past rears its head once more.

I have been playing Skyrim all day for the past 2 days. I needed a break, so I put on Torchwood. It made me think about the past and how many different things I have or haven't done that I regret. Tried to get past that by watching Bones, which I have NO idea why I thought that might work if aliens didn't help but I'm weird. I guess I really just need to get somethings out in the open for myself.

I have always given all of my heart to people who need me. I can't help doing it. Until someone breaks my trust, if they need help, I feel awful if I can't help them. This has led to a lot of mistakes, not all of which are regrets. My single biggest regret was something that led into me growing up and listening to what I feel to be right, which makes it one of the most right things I've ever done, no matter how stupid it was.

I should probably start at the beginning of my relationship debacle of a life instead of jumping to the middle. I was 15 when I dated the first mistake. (Thinking this over now, its possible that this line of thought was brought on by the fact that I saw my first ex on Black Friday) I was too young, he just wanted sex, and while it was a mistake I don't regret it. It should have been someone else maybe, but I learned how to identify lust from love.

3 years later, I dated an alcoholic (yup, I sure know how to pick them, and was reminded of this particular mistake on Thanksgiving. Man do I love my family....) I have a hero complex, as I mentioned (though in much prettier words) when I started this rant. He didn't know how to control his drinking, but managed to control me in the guise of me escaping the control of my family. I wanted to prove I was worthwhile. I wanted to fix him. He didn't want to be fixed, but was willing to allow me to think I was helping. I figured it out a month later, and again, it wasn't a mistake. If it weren't for that mistake, I would never have managed the courage to leave my family.

Immediately after dating the alcoholic, I dated Eddie. He was sweet, kind, caring, innocent and shy. Shy is an understatement, but this isn't that story. He was almost perfect. A year and 3 months we were together, and everything was plain and simple and separated, as we were both in different colleges with very little time together. It was moving towards me eventually marrying and being a housewife. I will never be a stay at home mom, and I did something stupid that I both regret and don't regret.

This is my side of what happened, the side I couldn't bear to let Eddie know, that I am ashamed of still. I was in college, and started talking on line to Jeremy. When I couldn't sleep in college, and Eddie wouldn't answer his phone in the middle of the night, I would get on line or on the phone and talk to Jeremy. He knew that I was dating Eddie, and he was still after an old flame of his. I was slowly growing aware of where Eddie and I were going and was afraid, though I wouldn't admit it even to myself at that point.
Jeremy and I decided that we should spend some time together as friends, as we had reached a level of trust that meant spending time together was necessary. He picked me up the day after I had helped Eddie move out of his dorm room, and I was going to spend the weekend out in Toledo with him. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I'd like to say that it happened once and I realized how wrong I was, but I didn't. It took me almost a month to break up with Eddie afterwards, and I told him that it was because I wasn't what he needed.
While that was true, he also wasn't what I needed. He was ok. He just wasn't more than that. He didn't constantly challenge me, didn't make my heart race, didn't steal my attentions. He was more interested in his anime and rubix cubes and math. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him.
Jeremy and I were a wonderful summer, the kind of summer fling every girl should have before she grows up. We were fire and passion and that ended up consuming us so much we crashed and burned with hatred and pity and general destruction. It was tragic. It was beautiful. I feel like I should regret it, and part of me does, but thinking it through, if I had never lived through that, I wouldn't be where I am now. It was the best and worst time of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I do regret what happened after Jeremy. After Jeremy, I went through a period of time where I went through guys, not really caring about anything other than feeling something. I moved out of my Grandmere's house, tried to grow up and instead made a lot of mistakes. I hurt people who cared about me, then I took a trip, met a guy and grew up.

It took so much pain and loss for me to realize how very important home was to me, how important my guys are to me, and how much I needed them. It took all that journey to end up here, married to a wonderful guy whom I love immensely.

But that is a story for an entirely different blog post. Because it has so much more than this, even though it is so much shorter.

Thank you for reading, dearest reader. I needed to just write like my muse has been beating me up lately, and I think that she is currently sated.

Peace and Love

Nerds unite.

One of my friends posted a question to a bunch of us that I've been pondering over for the past day and a half.

"Theoretical question for my nerds: If, for some reason, you were given divinity and a domain that matched YOU, what do you think it would be? I don`t mean what would you want, but what do you think you would be given? And please be honest with this."

I think that I might have an answer for it, but it is something that should be thought about quite carefully so that you are honest and not just saying what you would want to have.

I'm pretty sure that I'd be in some part Chaos, as I really REALLY cannot STAND order. But I'm pretty sure that I'd also be something like Despair. I don't really know a better way to put that because that isn't exactly right. I manage to prosper through disparity and so that is the best way that I can put it. Anyway, I figured I should share this question here to see what other people thought. So let me know. There is a comment section right down there.

Pam

Tell me tell me can you feel the pressure?::edited::

So this post in all lower case letters and most punctuation missing, brought to you by cell phones suck for blogging.(edit: I fixed it now. Still hate my phone for making me redo this though.) I want to be happy that there isn't anything super wrong with me. No kid, no gallstones, benign tumor in liver thats been there for ages, but apparently I screwed up somewhere because its my ribs that hurt with pressure on them so that I can't sleep on my preferred side(the right side, for inquiring minds). Still nauseous, still fatigued but since I'm not actually throwing up and my blood chemistry is normal the doc calls this a win, even though we didn't find anything out. So now I have to take Prilosec for my minor acid reflux I've always had because the doc had me take that this week thinking it was sickness based on acid reflux. I don't know. When I get to my computer tomorrow, I will fix this post (edit: Done. Obviously). For now, I'm going to try to go to bed. Early day tomorrow. Happy birthday to Kyle, or, as he is better known, Bitch.

Ok as for the events of the day, doctors, then went to work, picked Brian up after work and we ate at Rubin's deli, which is AMAZING if you're ever in the Lakewood/Westlake area (not really sure which city it is considered). Then we stopped at Common Grounds, our fave coffee place, and found out that Bitch was celebrating his birthday at the bar a few doors down, but by the time we got there he was back in his truck passed out. Yay birthdays. Anyway. Things and stuff. I'm out.

Occupy Everywhere

In the middle of the night, the NYPD evicted Occupy from Zuccotti Park. They claimed it to be for reasons of health, so they could clean the park, and that they would allow protesters back in in the morning. As of 10am, they still are not allowed into the park, even though a court order has been delivered. During the night, no media was allowed in the airspace over or in the area being "cleaned", while the tents tarps and media equipment in the park has been destroyed.

I understand that the cops are doing what they are told to, that they have to keep their jobs, but you would think that they would ask someone in charge about the court order on the radio if someone mentions it to them, that way they aren't breaking the law. Police are law ENFORCERS, not law MAKERS or, it seems in this instance, law ABIDERS.

To say that I am bothered by this is a bit of an understatement. I am absolutely APPALLED at the way this is being handled. To destroy property, property DONATED to the Occupy Movement, under the guise of handling disease?! What about RIGHTS? What about FREEDOM?

I don't even know if I can keep talking about this. I went to my gall bladder sonogram and this was on the news, like a little afterthought after "news" about Penn State, came home and looked at my Google + feed and found a link to live coverage of what is happening there, and I am just..... astonished at what I'm seeing. The occupiers are standing peacefully and the cops are SCREAMING at them to get off the sidewalks. This is the world we live in? A world where you no longer have the freedom to peacefully protest when you feel wronged?

What in the hell kind of government is that? No expression of protest allowed might as well mean the government is completely taking over. Last I checked, democracy is FOR the people, BY the people.

Zoom in on my empty wallet.

SO. Welcome to the show. This is my blog, and I haven't quite decided what it will be most prominently featured. This episode is going to be about money though, and how I don't have it.

As my profile says, I'm 22, married and pretty much always broke. Any time I get a little bit ahead, something happens that makes it so that I'm behind again. Currently, that is that I keep getting sick.

For the past week, I've been spending a large portion of my time nauseous, with some annoying pain in my side and all around general fatigue. Since I'm pretty sure that most of the people who I know might read this will be all "OMGYOU'REPREGGERS", I'm just going to put it out there that I am MOST DEFINITELY NOT PREGGERS since I just got done with my week of "Gah being a girl sucks".
 The doctor thinks that I have something wrong with my gall bladder, which is unfortunate, but they are doing tests tomorrow morning to figure it out. This led to me and my friend Matt (he owns a comic/gaming store in Sandusky called the Hero Zone and he also has gall bladder issues) to become founding members of the "We hate our gall bladders" Club. We are just that cool.

In other news, I am not a fan of waiting in the car for Brian to get off work.

I'm going to try to update this every day, not that many people will read it probably, but so what? I'm pretty sure getting things out there again will make me feel a lot (heh alot) better again.

Until tomorrow