Monday, November 28, 2011

The past rears its head once more.

I have been playing Skyrim all day for the past 2 days. I needed a break, so I put on Torchwood. It made me think about the past and how many different things I have or haven't done that I regret. Tried to get past that by watching Bones, which I have NO idea why I thought that might work if aliens didn't help but I'm weird. I guess I really just need to get somethings out in the open for myself.

I have always given all of my heart to people who need me. I can't help doing it. Until someone breaks my trust, if they need help, I feel awful if I can't help them. This has led to a lot of mistakes, not all of which are regrets. My single biggest regret was something that led into me growing up and listening to what I feel to be right, which makes it one of the most right things I've ever done, no matter how stupid it was.

I should probably start at the beginning of my relationship debacle of a life instead of jumping to the middle. I was 15 when I dated the first mistake. (Thinking this over now, its possible that this line of thought was brought on by the fact that I saw my first ex on Black Friday) I was too young, he just wanted sex, and while it was a mistake I don't regret it. It should have been someone else maybe, but I learned how to identify lust from love.

3 years later, I dated an alcoholic (yup, I sure know how to pick them, and was reminded of this particular mistake on Thanksgiving. Man do I love my family....) I have a hero complex, as I mentioned (though in much prettier words) when I started this rant. He didn't know how to control his drinking, but managed to control me in the guise of me escaping the control of my family. I wanted to prove I was worthwhile. I wanted to fix him. He didn't want to be fixed, but was willing to allow me to think I was helping. I figured it out a month later, and again, it wasn't a mistake. If it weren't for that mistake, I would never have managed the courage to leave my family.

Immediately after dating the alcoholic, I dated Eddie. He was sweet, kind, caring, innocent and shy. Shy is an understatement, but this isn't that story. He was almost perfect. A year and 3 months we were together, and everything was plain and simple and separated, as we were both in different colleges with very little time together. It was moving towards me eventually marrying and being a housewife. I will never be a stay at home mom, and I did something stupid that I both regret and don't regret.

This is my side of what happened, the side I couldn't bear to let Eddie know, that I am ashamed of still. I was in college, and started talking on line to Jeremy. When I couldn't sleep in college, and Eddie wouldn't answer his phone in the middle of the night, I would get on line or on the phone and talk to Jeremy. He knew that I was dating Eddie, and he was still after an old flame of his. I was slowly growing aware of where Eddie and I were going and was afraid, though I wouldn't admit it even to myself at that point.
Jeremy and I decided that we should spend some time together as friends, as we had reached a level of trust that meant spending time together was necessary. He picked me up the day after I had helped Eddie move out of his dorm room, and I was going to spend the weekend out in Toledo with him. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I'd like to say that it happened once and I realized how wrong I was, but I didn't. It took me almost a month to break up with Eddie afterwards, and I told him that it was because I wasn't what he needed.
While that was true, he also wasn't what I needed. He was ok. He just wasn't more than that. He didn't constantly challenge me, didn't make my heart race, didn't steal my attentions. He was more interested in his anime and rubix cubes and math. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him.
Jeremy and I were a wonderful summer, the kind of summer fling every girl should have before she grows up. We were fire and passion and that ended up consuming us so much we crashed and burned with hatred and pity and general destruction. It was tragic. It was beautiful. I feel like I should regret it, and part of me does, but thinking it through, if I had never lived through that, I wouldn't be where I am now. It was the best and worst time of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I do regret what happened after Jeremy. After Jeremy, I went through a period of time where I went through guys, not really caring about anything other than feeling something. I moved out of my Grandmere's house, tried to grow up and instead made a lot of mistakes. I hurt people who cared about me, then I took a trip, met a guy and grew up.

It took so much pain and loss for me to realize how very important home was to me, how important my guys are to me, and how much I needed them. It took all that journey to end up here, married to a wonderful guy whom I love immensely.

But that is a story for an entirely different blog post. Because it has so much more than this, even though it is so much shorter.

Thank you for reading, dearest reader. I needed to just write like my muse has been beating me up lately, and I think that she is currently sated.

Peace and Love

No comments:

Post a Comment