You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

I have decided that I don't really like this blog that much. I mean, I'm not going to delete it, but I won't update it most likely. Head over to my new blog ...Seriously I'm working on it in order to keep up on my life in the day by day process I am going through in order to deal with the fact that my (soon to be ex) husband is a complete and total tool.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

My husband left me. The day before we were supposed to move into a 2 bedroom apartment, he told me that I wasn't welcome in the new apartment. I love him with all of myself. I gave him EVERYTHING, and he left because he doesn't understand why dealing with my past is so very difficult for me. I went into this marriage knowing that there would be rough parts, and he expected that I would just go with what his idea of a marriage is: the husband is the breadwinner, the wife works but also makes sure the house is immaculate at all times. NO ONE is that way their first year of marriage, not unless they are already successful in their careers and also from the 50s era. It is 2012, and marriage takes work from both people. I was trying SO hard, and it was never ever good enough. While I recognize that this is just something that should show me that he isn't right for me, but no matter how hard I think it, my entire body aches and hurts, feeling like I failed as a person, as a wife. I haven't really slept in the past 42 hours, and I've eaten once. I can't sleep, and even thinking of eating makes me feel like I'll just throw it up again. I'm just running on pain right now, and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about what I could have done better.

An update.

I love my husband. I would think that much is pretty obvious at this point. Sometimes though, my husband is a dick. Last night he said he was going to get papers for divorce in an argument when he was angry. Not a good way to try to end an argument with your ginger wife. Just saying.

We talked through everything, and figured out why we were both so angry. The fact is that we have a new roommate with 3 animals (I'm allergic to 2/3rds of her animals) moved in with us and we DON'T have the room until April when we move. It makes me feel as though my needs for living without being itchy all the time aren't important. Not to mention that she is alway hanging out with my husband and is flirty with all guys all the time forever and I don't trust her. I trust my husband, but I don't trust her,especially if my husband is drunk. He's a dumbass and really easy to manipulate when he's drunk.

Either way. The past 3 days have been less than fun. I watched over my friends when they were drunk on St. Patrick's Day, watched over my husband the next night all night when he was in the emergency room, and then the day after that he tells me in anger that he wants a divorce because I got pissed off when I was watching something on the television, and they started blaring music.

Fuck 'em.

Don't have much to say but felt bad about being quiet so long

Brian got me sick. I start a new job in 7 days, and I still have to go buy pants and shoes. BLEH

What I have to say about it.

Stop SOPA. Stop PIPA. Because if you don't, you might lose your ability to tell the inter-net how you feel.

A reflection of the past year (on Friday the 13th bc I can)

So wow. It is 2012 now. That sounds silly. Quite a bit has happened in the past year, and I don't even know where to start.

Well, New Years Eve 2010 I was looking towards 2011 and I cursed it. I didn't know that everything that was looking to make 2011 bad would disappear, and I didn't know I would lose someone who was once a very good friend of mine.

At the beginning of 2011, Brian had decided that he was going to go into the Air Force. For me, it meant that he was going to leave, and I wouldn't count for anything, as that is how the military works. Girlfriends don't matter. It would be years before I would be allowed to be with him, and that made my New Year last year a sad one. Shortly after, we talked over all of the options (over pizza since it is the best food ever), and decided that marriage was the best option, considering that if he left, I would have to follow him because I refused to spend my life without him.

So began the most HECTIC and CRAZY time of my life. I started planning my wedding, something that we originally decided was going to be a small little thing, just a courthouse wedding with an awesome party afterward. And then I told my grandmother that I was engaged and we wanted to get married in July. That..... well it didn't exactly make it so things turned out the way we planned, but things worked out wonderfully anyway.

We lost Billy, and I regret not being able to answer my cousin's call when he said that they were going out because Billy was sick again.

Not long before the wedding, my friends got in a fight, one of the couples in the bridal party broke up, and my mother was doing her normal crazy control stuff and threatening to not be at my wedding. We made it through those alright without too much loss, apart from I had to pick a new maid of honor, and a friend became someone in the list of people I don't trust.

We moved into our apartment, I worked at Circle K until I couldn't stand it anymore and got a job at a telemarketing place, and every day fell more in love with my husband, even when we fight about stupid stuff. Every day I look at him, and I see one more thing that I love about him; how he freaks out when I drive in the snow, how he makes sure that we're both covered through the night (since I steal the covers from him all the time he makes sure there are 2 comforters on the bed), how he looks at me as though I'm the most beautiful person that there ever was.

I see these things each day and smile. I've done pretty well this year. Here is to our first full year of marriage, that it gets even more beautiful each day, and survives every crazy obstacle in the way.

Baby Blues

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sorry. Things have been crazy. Not that people even really read much. Either way, I've been thinking about lots of things lately. Specifically about babies. I'm kinda scared about the whole idea of that.

Really I guess I should start with where my head is lately. I haven't been feeling well, and when I don't feel good I'm in bed all day thinking. By that I mean I watch a bunch of Netflix and think about where I am in life. Yup. I'm a sap. Sorry guys.

Kids. I don't want them. But at the same time YES I do likerightnowbecauseomgkidsarecool. It is very confusing.

Pros of having kids (ie: reasons having kids wouldn't suck)
~Seriously, kids can make you feel so much better when you're having a shitty day. Sometimes I miss having the kids around all the time.
~Someone who needs me. So it is a stupid stupid STUPID reason to want a kid, but I have realized that I am just the kind of person that needs to be needed. I like it when I can fix things. Kids break things, and mess up A LOT so it would be a constant thing.
~I really want to give it a shot at being a better mother than my mother was to me. I want to know that I can think of the right answers, or at least the funny answers.


Cons of having kids (ie: reasons having kids would suck)
~OH MY GOD. Sometimes kids make shitty days EVEN WORSE! They are needy and never can't do things on their own yet and so they complain ALL THE TIME.
~NEVER HAVING TIME TO MYSELF EVER AGAIN.
~What if I screw up being a mom? What if I make them even more screwed up than I am?

Diapers. Teenagers. Growing up. Moving out. Making huge mistakes. I'm not ready to handle that kind of thing. I'm still making mistakes. But that's what life is about, isn't it? Now trust me, I'm not going to have a kid anytime soon. I want to wait until we are settled and able to take care of a kid financially, and so does Brian.

So why do I feel like I'm missing something?